Friday, December 27, 2013

Creativity is harder when you're sad

So it's hard to get in the mood to make something or write something or even get outta bed when you're depressed. For a while now (maybe a year?) I've been in despair over my failed marriage. What people don't tell you when you get divorced is that it really really fucking hurts. Not just a little. It's the end of your world as you know it and all the sudden you're in a new world and it's depressing. When you're blindsided by someone you thought you'd be with forever telling you they want a divorce for reasons you don't understand, well, it messes you up bad.

November 14th my divorce was final. I thought it would be emotional. I thought I would be unable to get out of bed the next day. I thought I'd spend the whole day crying and replaying everything in my head from our relationship. Instead, to my surprise, I felt relief. I felt a weight lifted. I felt like I could finally let go of all the pain and hurt and missing him and just be ok with being me. For the first time since we had started fighting, before I even left him, I felt joy. Honest to God, singing Hallelujah, joy.... It was amazing and fantastic.

And what happened next? Well, I've found myself again. I've found my creativity. I've found that I can have fun again and enjoy life without worrying about what he's doing with his new family or if his girlfriend cooks better than me or if she washes the bedding the way I do. Ha ha! I don't even worry about him anymore!

I find myself writing in my head again the way I used to and started carrying around my notebook again. I used to be a good writer. Long before Gloopy Doodles, I've always loved expressing myself through writing. Even more than drawing or singing. And I may be rusty at it but damn it if I'm not going to try again.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013


I don't like dating. Talking to new people, alright, that's cool. Going out having a beer or two, I can dig it. Having that awkward first meeting, I could do without that. But then ya can't have another meeting without that awkward first one. And about the time it gets not so awkward & uncomfortable, that's when I usually gotta pick up Tadpole from Sissy's. And then I'm left wondering what the guy thought of me & I hate that shit.

Did he think I am pretty? Did he think I am too fat? Did I say something stupid or have something in my teeth? Will he want to see me again? Will I want to see him again or just give up & be celibate?  LOL, that shit sure as HELL ain't gonna happen. Then always I think "why the fuck am I trying?". I feel like it's just wasted efforts some days. Seems like if I'm digging a guy he just wants to screw or isn't digging me or if I'm not really into a guy but bored & talk to him he's in love with me & wants to get married. That I am definitely NOT ready for & I don't know if I will be again. Everyone keeps telling me that I might want to someday & I might even want another child (yea... I don't think so) & maybe they're right but presently I'm just trying to figure myself & the world out again.

I lost so much of who I was but ya know, I liked being married. I felt secure emotionally, financially.... Being partnered with someone I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with was peaceful. Until it wasn't. And then it was a noose wrapped around my neck threatening to strangle every little bit of me that I could hold on to out of me. The divorce process isn't much better. Almost worth staying married to avoid the splitting of the life lived together. But two people can't stay together when one of them gives up.

I need to quit thinking about this crap & start trying to enjoy things again. Seems like some days the only joy I feel comes from being with Tadpole.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

It's not you.... OK it is you

Geez, some guys I swear are morons. OK a lot of guys that I've met are morons. Maybe I attract them. And losers. And assholes. And generally screwed up people. Gah, if I wasn't completely hetro over here I may consider girls. But then, girls are even more screwed up than guys sometimes. And more vicious. And freaking nuts. And I couldn't handle muff diving. I mean props to people who do but that's just not for me.

So I think I need to start a guide to dating me or something & hand it out to guys when we first meet so that they know what they're getting into & what I would expect a normal decent human to do. Really, it's just common sense/polite or whatever.

  • Don't text me over & over saying "hello". I got your first text. I don't want to talk to you because you creeped me out with something you said & if you keep it up I'm going to block your number from my phone.
I know this is mean. I do. And I feel bad that I'm not answering them because I've had it done to me where I think things are going good & then suddenly I don't hear from someone but ya know, after a couple of days, if you haven't heard from the person at all then you need to realize that they are not interested in you & move on to someone else. Especially when you haven't even met that person face to face or only met once for coffee or something.

  • It's important for you to remember things about me. Like my name.
Seriously, 3 guys I've talked to, after talking to them for a while mind you, have asked me what my name is. WTF!? I guess I didn't make that great of impression on you but really? I mean you're joking right? How the hell do you go on a date with someone & text them often & not know their freaking name?

When I have this problem, occasionally I'm talking to more than one guy online & forget things about them, I give them a nickname in my head. Like "Magic Mike" or "Cowboy" or "Detective" something memorable. Or more memorable than Greg or something. BTW, there are way too many guys named Mike my age. I'm just saying.

  • Please understand that I'm not going to drop everything & run to see you just because you don't have plans tonight.
First, I don't get why a guy who knows I have a young child would think that I can drop everything to go racing to their place. Or why anyone, even someone without a child would do that. Especially if it's in the middle of the week or if it's late. Like 9pm on a Tuesday, sorry dude. I'm in my jammies, my kid is asleep & I'm enjoying me time. Just be glad I'm even answering your texts, lol. 

I'm sorry but it takes a few days for me to be ready for a date, OK? First I gotta beg my Mom or Sissy to watch Tadpole which they're usually happy to do but they wanna hear everything about the guy I'm going out with & if they don't approve, then it's not going to be fun for me. It's actually kinda pathetic & one of these days I need to find like a real sitter to come to my own home where I pay them. But this is what I got for now.

Online dating, hell, dating in general is tough. Being a mom makes it tougher. I just want to hang out with a nice guy that will make me laugh that I'm attracted to who thinks I'm super hot. Is that really impossible to find? Maybe I need to take a break from it a while & focus on other things?

Binky Withdrawls

Good morning! So yesterday was day 1 without the binky. Tadpole wasn't happy. Actually, he did pretty well considering it could have been a lot worse. My ears are bleeding from the fits. We even went on a drive to get a soda & he didn't have it. He spent a lot of the time with his fist in his mouth though.

He got his binky when he napped & went down for the night. I even took it away after he was asleep for a while to see how he'd do. He did wake up about 2am & I had to give it to him to make him go back to sleep but really it could have been a lot worse. As long as he didn't see it, & he was occupied, he was OK.

I noticed that he did talk more. Especially with my mom, but he needed to be distracted often. I had to get on the floor with him & play more than I usually do to keep him occupied & happy & we spent a lot of time outside which he always loves.

So today is day 2. We'll see how he does today. Wish me luck. It may be a night where I need a beer or 2.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

What's in your mouth?

So I'm a single full time Mom to my little Tadpole. When I say that I mean I really don't get breaks from him like co-parents do. Still working it out with the ex to share custody but as of right now, 24/7, the kid is all my responsibility. Which is nice because I'm getting to raise him the way I want to (kinda, I'll get back to this) but it also means that I gotta do it by myself. If he's in a good mood, awesome, if he's in a bad mood, shit. If he needs changed, fed, bathed, kissed, hugged, read to, talked to, cuddled then he comes to me. I'm not complaining, just stating facts.

Luckily I do have help from my folks & Sissy & her family so I guess I'm not completely alone. But everyone has their opinion on how to raise my son & what I should or should not be doing. Apparently it's time for him to give up the binky (pacifier). He's 18 months old now & should be talking better than he does but he's always got the binky in his mouth & tries to talk anyway. Damn, I'm not looking forward to this. I think it's gonna be like taking crack from a crack addict. I see biting in my future.

Alright, I want the kid to be able to communicate & not have messed up teeth & stuff. So I guess I'm gonna have to bite the bullet & start trying to ween him off the thing. Only bed time & nap time & even then trying to get him to sleep without it. Also I gotta start trying to get him to ask for what he wants instead of just giving it to him. Which is gonna suck too because I'm pretty sure the kid is gonna throw fits when he wants his sippy cup & I'm not giving it to him because he's not actually verbalizing it. Good times.

Well that's it. Another sucky post about nothing really. Eventually I need to either give this up or get back in the creative groove again.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Back in the saddle again

Hello doodlers & welcome to the new Gloopy Doodles. I'm not sure what I'm going to be writing about yet since so much is going on in my life but at the same time nothing is going on, if that makes sense. I'm looking for a job so that's awesome (jk) & spend a lot of time with kids under the age of 6.

Recently due to the pushing of my dear Sissy, I joined an online dating website. Honestly, I wasn't sure if I wanted to start looking for someone again since the whole divorce thing has really screwed up my trust of the opposite sex but a girl gets lonely so I'm trying it out. In the couple weeks that I've had a profile up I've learned a lot about dating guys today & have some thoughts.

  • Men are superficial. This is something I've always known however it's now staring me in the face. Being overweight as I am is apparently something guys aren't crazy about. Yay.
  • Guys who have never had kids or have older kids don't want to date someone with a young child. 
  • A lot of guys my age still live with their parents. Hello! You're over 30! It's time to move out on your own. I have a reason that I stay with my folks on the weekends & with my sister during the week so I try not to judge but if you got a good job why the hell do you stay with your parents?
  • I'm not going to sleep with you on the first date. Or the second. 6 date minimum dude & that's only if you don't creep me out to where I block your number or your profile & feel like the relationship may go somewhere.
  • My kid comes first. No you can't meet him & if I don't have a babysitter I don't go out. Period. If you can't handle that then it's not gonna work.
  • If you work at Pizza Hut, 7-11 or anything like that at your age & you don't have a good reason other than you're comfortable there you have no interest in doing anything with your life so move along.
  • I don't want anything to do with you if you have an "open" relationship. I don't care if your girlfriend doesn't mind, I don't care if your girlfriend wants her own girlfriend. Call me old fashioned but I want a relationship with 1 guy.
  • If you want to meet me, you best be taking me out to dinner or coffee or something & if you're a decent man, then you're going to pay for it. I'm not going to meet you at your place for the first time.
  • I am not going to send you dirty pics.
  • If you don't have a car or a job don't talk to me.
There are plenty of crazies out there & I've only talked to a few guys that I would actually consider dating at this point. Hopefully I've just had some bad luck starting out & it will get better. It's going to take someone amazing for me to actually consider having a relationship again because it's not just me now. I have to make sure that person is good enough to be in Tadpole's life too so my standards are sky high.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Under Construction

Well, I'm sure y'all thought I died or something but actually it's just been a REALLY rough year. Hubby & I are getting unhitched, Turd went to live with his mom, Rubber Boy started living with ex Hubby, Red is almost an adult & Tadpole is walking (when he wants to). Tadpole & I moved to Corpus for a while to live with my folks & are now in San Antonio staying with my sister part time until we get back on our feet.

So I'm finally starting to get back to me after all this mess & plan to start writing & drawing again. My creative ventures have taken a back seat for a while & honestly I haven't felt like doing a whole lot except surviving. I'm going through my posts now & going to revamp this blog again because I really enjoyed writing it.

Look for new posts to come about me & Tadpole's adventures. Pinky & Tiny are still around too & now I'm with my sissy & her family a lot so they need to have their own cartoons made also.


Saturday, February 4, 2012

Silence is golden

I'm hiding in my room from my kids. Isn't that terrible? I tell you what though, if I leave this room, I'm gonna end up either pulling my hair out or strangeling someone. More likely strangeling because of vanity but still.....

I don't know what it is with them lately. Either they're getting louder or my patience & tolerance of their idiotic conversations has gotten smaller. Maybe it's a little of both. Earlier today, the TV was blaring at full volume, Tadpole was crying, Rubber boy was singing & Turd was yelling at him to shut up. Hubby had his earphones in & was sitting at his computer watching YouTube. I had to take the dogs out just to get some peace.

Grr... Also, I just turned 30. I guess now that I've produced a person from my cooter, hit the big 30 & have been married almost 5 years, I feel like my fun is over. I know it's not logically but now instead of the cool young stepmom I'm just a mom & a wife. Eh, I'm sure I'll get over it.

So, teenage boys talk about the dumbest & grossest things. This morning, it was why poop (it's always about poop) is the color that it is. This evening it's about them not wanting to change diapers. Their excuse is that they don't want to see Tadpole's "junk". Turd told Rubber boy that Tadpole's "junk" is bigger than his. Then, Tadpole laughed (I swear he really did. It freaked me out). Good Lord, he's only 4 months old & he's already starting to be another gross boy.

Their latest torture for me is telling me that when Tadpole starts potty training that they're going to tell him there's a Potty Monster that will bite off his "junk". I'm going to kill them, I'm sure of it. If they survive till they're 18, I'll be surprised but it will only be because I need a babysitter & a break from the testosterone.

I think I need a drink.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Don't shake the baby

Long have I been absent from my blog. I suppose it's because of pregnancy & giving birth & the general work of being a mom to now 3 boys that are time consuming to say the least. Also having a job & a husband do not help to contribute to my creativity so my lack of it is no surprise. I don't get to sit & think about things anymore the way I used to even a year ago. C'est la vi. My youth is slipping away from me & being replaced with a calm contentment.

My son was born on September 26th as I laid there, spread eagle, with 10 people watching & only my husband was someone I felt comfortable with while I was in that position. 15 hours of labor, mild compared to the utter agony my mother says she bore during the 24 hours she was in labor with me. Thank God for the epidural because I'm not sure I could have handled it otherwise.

So now I have a beautiful baby boy that looks just like his daddy with my eyes & hair. Yes, hair. The boy was born with a head full off it. He's precious & wonderful & perfect & I just can't get enough of him. I show his pictures to everyone whether they want to see them or not. I talk about him constantly.... I've turned into one of those annoying moms that has nothing more interesting going on in their lives other than their children. With the amazing emotions that come with giving birth, I now understand it.

Alas, I am a poor excuse for a mother, this according to almost everyone that sees me with my child. In fact, I'm almost certain that his nurse at the hospital when I gave birth to him wanted to take him away from me & never let me have him back. This woman was a bitch. Sometimes I think that people who have been around babies a whole lot just assume that every woman instinctively knows what to do with a baby. I seriously get told I'm doing something wrong raising Tadpole all the fucking time.

OK, so first time mommy here to a baby. I didn't have the luxury of practicing on my other kids because the youngest was 6 when I came along. Sure, I've been around babies, I've held them, I've even babysat them a time or two but I could always give them back & never before did I have to feed them from my breast. Well shucks, how the hell am I supposed to do this shit without fucking it up?

Anyway, so this bitch tells me I need to wake Tadpole up every two hours if he doesn't get up on his own to nurse him. So, the second day, early afternoon, my husband is in there with me & we're trying to wake the kid up to eat. I'm rocking him, & patting his back to try to get him to latch on. This nurse comes in & screams at me "DON'T SHAKE THE BABY". OMG, I almost had a heart attack.

I was not shaking my baby, OK? I know better. I've heard the commercials..... "it's ok to get frustrated but it's never ok to shake the baby". DUH! What kind of person do you think I am? Yeah, I'm not an experienced mother to an infant but I ain't no white trash bitch living in the ghetto. OK, I am but I have all my teeth & I don't stand outside on my porch in sweat pants with "Juicy" on the butt, screaming at my "baby daddy" to make sure & bring me a tall boy as he's pulling out of the driveway while my other kids are running around the neighborhood with nothing on but shorts. Also, common sense says you shouldn't shake something that can't hold it's head up. When we were discharged, she made it a point to give me extra information on shaken baby syndrome. It's now a joke in my home & every time someone picks Tadpole up, one of us says "Don't shake the baby".

We finally got home & my son & I are getting to know each other while I'm recovering from the most traumatic experience of my life. I'm getting used to my new responsibilities. He seems happy most of the time. He only cries if he's hungry or dirty or has the hiccups. He's got a temper for sure & throws little fits when you don't address his issue right away but other than that, there hasn't been anything that I didn't expect.

Recently, it has come to my attention though that I have been giving my son tummy aches because I wasn't warming up his bottles..... Whoa now. Lemme explain, OK? I only nurse him about once a day just for the bonding time so he usually gets formula. When I make him a bottle, it's either with room temperature or warm water. Sometimes he doesn't finish his bottles & formula is fucking expensive so I save whatever is left, even if it's just an ounce & put it in the fridge because formula goes bad after 2 hours. I have a chart on my fridge so I don't give him old formula. Anyway, at 2 am, exhausted & still recovering from giving birth, I would just pull that bottle out & give it to him. Apparently, this is a no no, especially for experienced mothers who would never feed their child a cold meal. Son of a bitch, call CPS cause I'm abusing my kid.

I've got a lot to learn, that's for sure. Lord help me & him both when he starts teething because that's gonna be a bitch. I'm just glad that I have so many experienced mothers around me & my husband to guide me in the right direction. Otherwise I might take him outside without a blanket. Oh wait, I did that too......

Sunday, September 11, 2011

God is a smart ass

Ok, as blasphemous as that sounds, it's the truth & don't tell me that none of y'all never thought that because I know I have on more than one occasion. Especially right now. As most of you know, I am a faithful/spiritual person but sometimes I do think that the Good Lord is up there just messing with us for entertainment value & laughing at the ironic things that happen in our lives.

I've talked about Bro on this blog before. She's a friend of mine who just 9 months ago gave birth to a 10 pound baby who's now bigger than my 4 year old nephew. I've teased her about it, not really meaning it though because that kid is gonna be a great football player. He'll never get messed with in school like mine because the kid is gonna be able to kick any one's ass.

She's sweet though because all the clothes her baby doesn't or didn't fit in she's given to me & I spent 3 hours yesterday going through them & putting them away. I won't have to buy Tadpole anything until he's 2. Thanks Bro!!!

I've also said a thing or two about Aunt K. She gave birth to 3 boys ranging from 10 pounds to 13 pounds. Good Lord, that's a big baby. As Mo put it the other day "that would not be coming out of my vagina". I agreed & joked that they came out shaving with their voices already baritone.

Well, God thought that was just too funny. He decided that to teach my mouth a lesson, he was going to bless me with a healthy baby. A healthy baby who's going to come out at least 9 pounds. This is according to my doctor on my last appointment who said "Wow, this baby is going to be big". When I said "how big we talking here doc?". He said "oh, at least 9 pounds. And that's if you go into labor before your due date because you're measuring a month ahead".

I started laughing like a crazy person. I couldn't stop. I have only 3 weeks left until my due date & I'm measuring a month ahead? That means I'm giving birth to a toddler. A huge freaking toddler is going to come out my cooter. That's just great. Especially because as big as I am right now, my body is never going to be the same. If it comes out that way, I can only imagine the damage that's going to do.

Hubby says either I'm getting Tadpole cut out or we're getting divorced. He's so sympathetic to my plight & has such a way of putting things so delicately.

I'm never ever getting pregnant again. Never. This has been the longest 9 or so months of my life & I'm damn sure not going to repeat the morning sickness, sore nipples & spreading hips again. Not to mention I can't poop.

I have a theory about constipation & pregnancy. So, it didn't become difficult to go #2 until about 2 weeks ago & since then, it's been about as easy as pushing a bowling ball through a triangle shaped hole. I think it gets so difficult so that a woman can get ready to push the baby out. At the same time though, I don't appreciate it. I would like to poop without having to push for an hour to get a little rabbit turd out. If it was something substantial, then maybe I would feel some satisfaction but...... No.

Regardless of how shitty I feel & how much I want this whole pregnancy to be over with, it is kinda amazing to me that this baby is coming out within 2 weeks. And it's also amazing that Tadpole & I have survived through this together without a lot of complications. Thank God for that. Even if he's blessing me with a giant baby at least he's blessed us with the baby we've prayed for.